Salt Water Taffy

By  Kelli Lynn Woodend  |  Illustration by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette
September 1, 2020

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Dec 25th 2:45pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. It’s Momma. We’re all over here at Aunt Peggy’s just waiting on ya. Should we go on and eat? Just give me a buzz and let us know. I can fix you up a plate if you’re running late. Call me. Bye-bye now. 

Dec 25th 4:11pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. It’s Momma. The kids are itching to open their gifts so we gonna go on and start the Dirty Santa game. I’d hate for you to miss it. Oh, Aunt Peggy’s saying get your big fat butt over here and eat this bread pudding already. Call me. Check ya later now. 

Dec 25th 8:19pm

Beep

Millie Josephine, you call your momma back right this minute. Now you got me all worried. I’m still at Aunt Peggy’s. Christina’s here. She said you’ve been ignoring her texts. The whole gang’s waiting on ya. I put your plate in the fridge. Already scraped the marshmallows off your sweet potatoes. Call me.  

Jan 15th 11:46pm

Beep

It’s Momma. Not sure what to say. Thought I’d try to call ya. Just having a real bad night. 

Jan 16th 9:13am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. It’s Momma. Just wanted to hear your voice again. I’m at McDonald’s drive through. Thinking about all our parking-lot biscuits. Pretty silly, I reckon. Okay, guess that’s all I wanted to say. Bye-bye now. 

Jan 19th 7:09pm

Beep

Sorry to call again. I’m out here on the porch drinking a Rumchata and root beer. Joyce turned me on to them. You get yourself a cup of ice in a Tervis tumbler, half Rumchata, half root beer. Might snow tonight. Still nice to sit outside. I got your puffy coat on. Just wishing you were here with me. Okay. Check ya later now. 

Jan 21st 1:14pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. You forgot your umbrella in my car. Did you know that? I just found it in the back seat. Guess I’m just looking for a reason to call. Bye-bye now. 

Jan 30th 6:19pm

Beep 

Just wanted to let you know they have Supermarket Sweep on Amazon Prime now. You were always so good at those grocery clues. Alrighty. That’s all. 

Feb 4th 3:32 pm

Beep 

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. I just put a pork butt in the Crock-Pot and poured a big cold beer. Listening to my Tricia Yearwood CD. I know you’re so gosh darn sick of me playing that. I got a big ol’ nasty burn on my neck this morning. My curling iron again. Trying to look purty. For what, I don’t know. Bye-bye now.

Feb 6th 9:29 am

Beep 

Morning, Mimi Jo. I got some shuteye last night, thank the Lord. I’m staring at this here picture of Jesus taped up on my wall and maybe my mind’s all messed up, but I think it just winked at me. Made me chuckle a little. Bobbie Dean Cutie Cat scratches at it a lot so it’s all torn up on the corners. Bobbie Dean Cutie Cat says hi, by the way. Alrighty. That’s all I wanted to say. 

Feb 8th 10:44am

Beep

Momma here. Sun’s out today. Not that I’ve been outside or nothing. I called Christina this morning. Course she don’t answer her phone. I asked if she wanted to get some supper tonight. My treat. Who can turn down a free meal? Well, I guess a teenager can who doesn’t want to be seen with her granny on a Saturday night. Just thought we could keep each other company. Called Aunt Peggy, too. And Joyce. Everybody’s got something going on. Alrighty, Mimi Jo. I’m talking your ear off. Bye-bye now. 

Feb 8th 11:45pm 

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. It’s Momma. Christina never called me back. Didn’t you teach your baby girl anything about manners, missy? I ended up having a big bowl of cold spaghetti in bed like Meryl Streep does in that one movie. It’s funner when she does it. Well, there’s a man in bed with her. So, of course, that’s a better time than I had. Bye-bye now. 

Feb 11th 7:52pm

Beep

Called Christina again. She’s gonna meet me at Perkins in the morning for breakfast. I told her I’d pick her up, but she didn’t want to tell me where she’s staying. Fair enough. Just like her momma, I tell you what. Secrets. Secrets. Check ya later now. Bye-bye.

Feb 12th 11:54 am

Beep

Welp, all hell broke loose with Christina this morning. She got so gosh darn mad at me.  I brought up Christmas, and she just slammed her hand down on the table, grabbed her purse, and stormed out the door. Didn’t even finish her pancakes. 

Feb 12th 9:02pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Oh, I reckon I’ve really messed things up with Christina. I’ve called and called her. I wish she’d just come and live with me instead of some scuzzy boyfriend. I even got the back bedroom all set up for her. Looks real nice. We’ll see. 

Feb 14th 9:13pm 

Beep

You know what? There was a time in life when I loved Valentine’s Day. Had your daddy. Had my babies. Better paying job. Benefits. Breeding the Basset Hounds. Those were some real good days. One year your daddy got me a spoon rest, and I was over the moon. It’s the little things, ain’t it? Treated myself to some Mexican tonight. Got my queso dip, chimichanga, frozen margarita. Now, I got the TV on full blast. Earth Girls Are Easy. I’ve never seen it, but I love me some Jeff Goldblum. And Geena Davis, well she might be my favorite. Has she even done much lately? She’s the type of actress who has the looks and all that, but she just always seems a little unsure of herself or something. She looks like Christina, huh? I’m always saying, “Christina, now why don’t you get some new clothes? Some earrings maybe? Burlington. TJ Maxx. All good deals. You can look real nice for not too much money.” But she just likes to look messy. Why is that Mimi Jo? Why do people like to look messy all the time? She’s still not talking to me. Welp, Happy Valentine’s Day. I got some Girl Scout Cookies cooking in the freezer. 

Feb 15th 7:46am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Didn’t sleep too well last night.  Now this might sound crazy, but I think I heard someone messing around in the kitchen. Around 3:30am or so. Probably just my silly pills. 

Feb 17th 8:42 pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. Peggy and Wavy went up to Smoky Mountains last weekend and got me a big ol’ box of salt water taffy, so, I got CSI on, and I’m sorting out all the flavors on the bedspread. Made a little pile for ya. I know you like the orange crème and key lime pie so’s you can have those. Putting all the banana ones and spearmint ones in my pile. Now I know we both like the pina colada ones, so I’m dividing those up evenly between us. I swear, Mimi Jo, I’ll never forget that time you got that strawberry taffy stuck to your white jeans when we were all up at Niagara Falls. Remember that? Oh, my gracious. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my legs. Good times. Good times. 

Feb 20th 3:20pm

Beep

Was just looking here at my account online and, sure enough, got more money going out than coming in. So much debt, Mimi Jo. I’m ashamed of it. Could never really talk to you about it. I still owe on the house. I drive an old car. Don’t have anything flashy to show for it. My social security checks just don’t cut it. I buy the store-brand food when I can. Always couponing. Now Bobbie Dean Cutie Cat is into these pricey bisque packets. I tell you what. Alrighty, enough of my blabbing. Gonna try to save up some money this year. Help Christina out a little bit.  

Feb 21st 11:34pm

Beep

Hey, Mimi Jo. Momma here. You know I don’t like the word “ghost,” but I keep feeling like there’s something going on in the house. Could have sworn I just heard someone clapping in the other room. I don’t like that one bit. 

Feb 22nd 1:05am

Beep

It’s Momma again. Still can’t sleep. Bobbie Dean Cutie Cat is doing that terrible thing cats do. You know, staring at something invisible in the room. What is it, Bobbie Dean?  What is it? I’m not gonna hang up the phone tonight if that’s alright. Just gonna keep you on the line and put it by my pillow. Alright then. Nighty night, Mimi Jo. Talk to ya in the morning. 

Feb 23rd 7:45pm

Beep

That’s it. I can’t take it. I’m staying over at Joyce’s tonight. 

Feb 24th 7:07 am

Beep

Hey, Mimi Jo. I’m here in Chick-fil-A parking lot, just praying my rosary. I can’t stay at Joyce’s anymore. I’ve never seen so many urns in my life. Her husband Gary, her mother Connie, her sister Rainy. And then two Corgis, Cheese Ball and Queen Mary.  You know, last night was the first time I spent a night away from the house in, gosh, maybe 15 years? Well, let’s see now. Maybe the motel at your wedding? Nope, I came back to the house early and missed all that BB gun drama. Alrighty, I got a hot chicken biscuit on my lap. Bye-bye now. 

Feb 24th 7:45am

Beep

Momma here. Just got home. This house is so heavy with memories my shoulders ache just walking in the front door. Maybe Aunt Peggy wouldn’t mind me sleeping on her pull-out. 

Feb 25th 3:26 pm

Beep

Welp, Aunt Peggy’s didn’t work out too good. She’s still not over that whole cruise ship bungle. Wavy felt bad for me, gave me his camping equipment. It’s too darn cold to sleep outside. Maybe I’m being overdramatic. I can handle a little bump in the night. Your daddy once got on a bull with a broken eye socket and a dislocated hip. I always think about that when I need to toughen up a bit. Check ya later. 

Feb 26th 11:19am

Beep

Swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish. Yes, um, give me one of those Kit Kats, why dontcha? And gas on pump seven. Swish, swish, swish, swish. 

Feb 26th 11.22am

Beep

Mimi Jo? I think I just butt dialed you. Heaven’s sake. I’m out running my errands. 

March 1st 3:15am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. Can’t sleep. Called up Father Greg and he’s coming by Friday. Wish Christina weren’t so darn blasted mad at me. Remember that time you got so upset with me ‘cause I wouldn’t buy you those paper dolls? Well, I spanked you good for that sassy mouth of yours. I just want to say I’m real sorry about that. I’d do anything to go back to that day. Worst three dollars I never spent.  

March 2nd 4:39am

Beep

Hi Mimi Jo. Momma here. Have you ever seen The Intern? It looks real cute.  

March 3rd 1:28am

Beep

Thought I just heard something again. I really wanna go in the kitchen and make myself a rainbow sherbet and 7up, but I reckon I’ll just stay in here on the phone with you for a bit. 

March 6th 2:40pm

Beep 

Hi, Mimi Jo. Well, Father Greg just swung by to do his little exorcism or what-have-you. Said some prayers, sprinkled some holy water. I didn’t have much in the way of snacks. Bowl of Cheese Nips on the table, a few Fig Newtons on a saucer, Diet Dr. Lightening. He said he’s just down the road if I get a hankering to go to Mass. Oh, he teases me. I told him, “Now Father Greg, you know I got all kinds of beef with the Catholic Church these days.” He didn’t press me. That’s why I like him. Oh, Bobbie Dean is all up in the Fig Newtons. Get down now, Bobbie Dean. Get down right now, lil’ missy. I gotta go. 

March 7th 8:03am

Beep

Morning, Mimi Jo. Welp. The night went pretty good. No noises. Nothing unusual. Still kept the lights on. TV, too. The Pelican Brief was on TBS. You know I love that one. 

March 8th 4:49pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. Kinda felt like maybe swinging by the church today. Nothing fancy. Maybe just light a candle at that Mary statue I like. You never liked going to Mass and, well, I’m sorry for all those years I forced you.  

March 9th 9:14pm

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. My shampoo bottle just fell in the shower on its own. So much for the exorcism. I did stop by the church yesterday. Had a chat with Father Greg. Now, he went and called it confession, but I don’t really like that term. Just told him about my little problem–calling you up on the phone and all. I expected him to get upset with me, but he was real understanding. Said these things take time. He gave me a book. And not a boring Catholic book like I expected. It’s called Walden. I’ve never read it. Maybe you have. He said it’s very popular. Suggested it might be good for me to get out in nature a bit. Less TV. Less junk food. Fill my mind with good things. Books. Birds. Brussels sprouts. Oh, I laughed. He don’t know me very well. 

March 10th 9:15am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Momma here. I’m here at Panera. Getting myself a cinnamon crunch bagel with that walnut cream cheese. Trying to be healthy. Was up all night long. Still reading my book. Well, not READING-reading it. Just flipping through pages and stopping on a paragraph here and there. You know how I like to read my books. Here’s something that jumped out at me. “Go fish and hunt far and wide day by day, farther and wider, and rest thee by many brooks and hearth-sides without misgiving. Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth. Rise free from care before the dawn, and seek adventures.” I just really like the way he puts things. It’s nice, huh? Alrighty. Back to my book. 

March 11th 4:32pm

Beep

It’s Momma. I just got notice from the phone company.  Since your bill hasn’t been paid lately, they’re gonna be shutting down your account in a few days.  Just thought I’d call and tell ya.  

March 12th 10:03am

Beep 

I keep calling up Christina. She finally texted me last night. Just said, “Leave me alone, Granny.” Guess that’s a start. Put a little smile on my face. Bye-bye now. 

March 13th 6:08am

Beep

You know, I keep reading this book and it’s got me thinking. I was a really good camper back in the day. Me and your daddy went camping all the time with some of our bowling buddies. This was back before you were born. I mean, hey, I can build a fire. I can fish. I make a real mean s’mores. My trick is using Snickers instead of Hershey’s. Oh, it’s real good. And come to think of it, Uncle Wavy gave me that tent and camping equipment. Do you think that was a sign? I could drive down south where it’s a little warmer. Just a few days maybe. A week or two? A little adventure of my own. Something to think about, I reckon. Alrighty. Check ya later. 

March 14th 4:06am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Today’s the day they turn your phone off. Welp. Not really sure what to say. I guess this is goodbye for now. I love you, Mimi Jo. I know I don’t say that often enough. Now, you take real good care of yourself. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna get all mushy or nothing. We’ll just leave it at that. Bye-bye now.

March 14th 6:07am

Beep

Hi, Mimi Jo. Welp. It’s still on. Sorry to call again. Just sitting here on the porch and thought I’d listen to your voice recording one last time.  

March 14th 7:45am

Beep

Just checking. Still there. 

March 14th 2:45pm

Beep

Still there.

March 14th 5:51pm

Beep

Still there.