Laughing Matters: The One About Questions

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

January 2021 — At the Winn-Dixie checkout line last week, I overheard a kid talking to her mother. “If Dora’s an explorer, why does she only go to places she already has a map for?”

Great question, kid! 

I’m drawn to reasonable questions like this for three reasons.

Dora’s suspect. Period.

1. I have a philosophy degree. Sort of. (I did all the coursework but somehow ended up with an English degree—long story suitable for a different humor column.)
2. My middle school gym teacher once asked, if it were possible to eat yourself, would you get twice as big or would you disappear? And I spent the weekend thinking it through.
3. If you’re at all like me, you know that the world is full of wonderful weirdness that too few people stop to appreciate. After all, we drive on parkways and park on driveways! Day breaks, but night falls. It’s called a drive-through, but I always have to stop. Round pizzas come in square boxes.

See what I mean? Weird.

C’mon. Why don’t we call lasagna spaghetti-flavored cake? If humans are mostly water, does that mean the Earth is mostly human? If you ran a race by yourself, would you finish last or first? How DO those “Stay of the grass!” signs get out there?

Is anyone else troubled that the person who invests their money is a stock…BROKEr?

Why is that my kids believe me when I say there are five billion stars, but when I say a bench has wet paint, they have to check?

What jokester decided to make “dyslexia” so freaking hard to spell?

Those of you who’ve been suffering through these humor columns since day one might recall that I taught a Humor Writing class at Ringling College last year. At the start of each day, I gave them a humor litmus test. If more than half laughed, we were good to go—an afternoon of guffaw-making and yucks awaited. If no one laughed, we sat around and watched Mystery Science Theater with the sound off and cracked our own jokes. (Okay, not true, but MAN, that would’ve been sweet.)

Some of their favorite humor litmus test questions:

• If the #2 pencil is so dang popular, why is it still #2?
• Why are softballs so hard?
• If you choke Papa Smurf, what color does he turn?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• When lightning hits the ocean, why don’t all the fish die?

The winner of that semester, though, was when one student crabbed during a break. “I’m taking astronomy because it’s awesome, but we’re six weeks in and she hasn’t brought up horoscopes yet!”

My own kids are doing their part, too. The other day, one of my daughters watched a documentary with me on the invention of the Richter scale. Afterward, she asked, “If Mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?” This is the same kid who years earlier wondered “Can you cry underwater?” and got really bent out of shape about “Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?”

Here’s what I really want to know. I can be overwhelmed. You can be underwhelmed. Why can neither of us be whelmed?

I’m afraid I have far more questions than answers. The older I get, the more questions emerge and the more important they seem. For example, when I was twenty I couldn’t have cared less, but now? I really want to know: If the Professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he repair a hole in the boat?

And while we’re at it, why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection?

And how long does a fish have to wait to swim after it eats?

And if I melt dry ice, can I take a waterless bath?

Ooooh, my aching head. Until next time, folks, ponder this: How do you remove a club soda stain?

If you’re into goofy language, silly logic, and stupid questions to annoy people with, hooray, we should be “friends.” Go ahead and email me at Spam@SceneSarasota.com and we’ll geek out in annoying, self-indulgent ways. But first, tell me—why does it take fifteen minutes to cook minute rice? Seriously. I want to know!