Laughing Matters: The One About BEA & BookCon (& NYC)

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

I just got back from BEA—that stands for BookExpo America, which is North America’s largest publishing industry trade show. Basically, it was me and 10,000 other writers, editors, agents, publicists, and booksellers geeking out about books for three days in New York City. Also, there were librarians. And mole people.*

(*Though to be clear, I’m not at all sure those latter two groups weren’t just one group that blurred together in my memory. Big apologies here to the mole people, if so!)

BEA was paired back-to-back with BookCon, a new event billed as “where storytelling meets pop culture.” I like pop culture (Smurfs, American Idol, baby panda videos, etc.). Plus I like stories (if knock-knock jokes are stories). So, how could I NOT go to this 1-2 writerly punch, right?

Thank your lucky pancakes that I did, because taken together, these two events left me with valuable, humor-column-worthy stuff which I’ll share here just in case you want to attend BEA and/or BookCon next year. Or if you just want to have the up-to-date 411 on what the heck’s wrong with New York City now.

Regarding the events:

• 49.1% of male writers have manbuns.
• The average number of books people brought from home to be signed by James Patterson? 481.
• The amount of time I spent in the BEA pressroom: zero minutes, zero seconds.
• The amount of time I spent in line to get a gyro at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center food court? Fourteen minutes, nine million and seven seconds.
• The exact number of my own books that I saw on display at BEA and/or BookCon? 1.6
• The only thing in kidlit hotter than a book about a unicorn? A book WRITTEN by a unicorn. (I think Random House has one of those coming out in November.)
• Asking Rick Riordan if he’s related to Dexter (from the TV show)? Not a good idea.
• Asking Rick Riordan why the Percy Jackson movie series tanked? Equally poor idea.
• Asking Rick Riordan what’s the dealio with his wife’s birthday being the same day as his, and didn’t that type of dating criteria limit the pool a bit? Oof.
• Asking Rick Riordan why he got married on—of all 365 options—his and his wife’s birthday? Zounds.
• Librarians wear shirts that say things like “I like to party . . . and by party I mean read books” and “I’m a book dragon, not a worm.”
• Overheard librarian stories are hilarious. Actual things they’ve (apparently) had to say to library patrons:
  • “No, I don’t know your email password.”
  • “Someone better check on porn guy. Again.”
  • “The library staff cannot watch your baby while you run to Walmart.”
  • “No one’s hiding the tax forms. They’re not in yet.”

Regarding New York City:

• Way too many restaurants are cash-only. (What type of dinosaur-times person carries cash?)
• The clipboard mafia is alive and well. (They linger in pairs outside subway stops and ambush you, insisting you sign whatever #$!@#%$!_ petition they’ve got going. Like “Bring back 32 oz. sodas!” or “Parker Posey for President!”)
• I am an important part of every aspiring rappers’ PR plan. (How do I know? During my week in NYC, about 8 zillion of them approached me on the street, saying, “Yo yo, playa, don’t you love rap?” as they thrust a homemade CD into my hands and asked me for a “donation.”)
• Rats. Like WAY more than one, which is entirely too many. A particular jumbo-sized rat monster perched atop a moldering garbage heap off 48th Street and flexed right at me, as if saying, “You want a piece of me? You want a piece of THIS?” (“No, sir, Mr. Rat!” I said, fleeing the scene for the safety of a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts, which, incidentally is pretty much only good for fleeing a scene into. The coffee? Meh. The donuts? Abyssmal, both in taste and selection. The flee-ability factor? Not bad at all.)
• Lead-footed cabbies with a death wish. Oodles of them. Except the guy I got the one time I used a cab, who turned out to be turtle-slow, he took all the wrong turns, and he kept apologizing by saying, “I don’t speak English!” in perfect English.
• People on the street howling at nothing. Seriously. Maybe it was just that my hotel was in the whack-a-doodle part of Midtown, but I encountered dozens of these noisy folks every day, railing aloud and waving their arms like over-caffeinated cartoon characters. One accused me of listening in on his brain. I didn’t mean to! I was just looking for a bodega without a $10 minimum for credit card purchases.
• $14 for soup “lunch bowls” that end up being the size of those marinara cups you get when you order the five-mozzarella-stick appetizer at TGIF.
• The noise. For the love of god, the !@#$!@#$ noise.

On the plus side, I met R.L. Stine (see photo in the Literary Scene column), got yelled at by Rick Riordan’s handlers (see prior page), and came home with nine BEA lanyards. Booyah!

All things considered, I think this pretty much sums up the trip, scoreboard style.

Ryan 14,329,213

NYC 7

But I hear NYC wants a rematch, same time, same place, next year. Watch for it!

PS—No Rick Riordans were harmed in the making of this month’s humor column.

PPS—I’ve never actually met nor spoken with Rick Riordan. I’m lousy with names, so I simply use “Rick Riordan” for any famous writer whose name I can’t recall. Like how people say “Coke” to mean a Sprite, a Mug root beer, an orange Fanta, a Pepsi, or any soft drink.

PPS—Librarians rule. To prove that I mean it, here’s a librarians-only joke. Just for them.

• How many librarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• Answer: 645.5

• Clarification for non-librarians: (It’s the Dewey decimal classification for Household furnishings—lighting fixtures)

Have you own disastrous conference experience, perhaps one involving a busload of penguins, a giant pineapple, and a parachute? Ever bump into “Rick Riordan” in a crowded movie theater and end up sharing popcorn with him? Have you made the pilgrimage to NYC only to find that the urine stink in the subways made you realize all the travel brochures were hooey and that it’s NOT the best city since Atlantis? Ever arm-wrestled a reference librarian?

If so, zoom off an email to ryan@sarasotascene.com with full details ASAP. Bonus points for stories over 12,000 words!