Laughing Matters: Readers Speak Up (Sort of)

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

---

After the recent wildly successful column, “Ryan Responds to Reader Mail,” I decided to give that format another try. But something went awry. Instead of me enjoying my typical mountain of glowing mail, it’s all addressed to Gladys Goodberry, who ran a now-defunct column for Sarasota Scene entitled “Gardening the Gladys Way: Plantings for Fun & Profit.”

Why did I get her correspondence instead of mine? That’s for some future kid’s dissertation in chaos theory to unpuzzle. 

It seems a shame to let all this earnest, earth-friendly mail go unanswered. So, I’ll ignore the fact that I have the opposite of a green thumb and do what I can to help out.

Hold on to your garden shears, folks!

Letter One

I’d like to try a garden, but I’ve never grown vegetables in Florida. Can you recommend a good resource?

—“Getting Healthy” 

The best resource I can think of is Detweiler’s on Palmer Boulevard. Not only for the homegrown vegetables you can just buy off the shelf versus grow, but because they have old-fashioned, hand-dipped ice cream made at Yoder’s Southern Creamery right here in Sarasota. Might I suggest the blueberry cobbler flavor in a cake cone with rainbow sprinkles? In terms of flavor, that’s about as good of a resource as you can get.

(My wife—who is reading over my shoulder—has suggested that you might be asking about resources to support YOUR gardening. I assume my wife is wrong. It’s really, really hot out there, and every time I’ve tried to start up a garden, it went so, so wrong. My advice? Leave the gardening to the professionals. Let the rest of us eat ice cream!)

Happy snacking, Getting Healthy!

Letter Two

I have an old privet hedge in the garden which is dying in patches. Could this be due to honey fungus? Also, if I remove the hedge, what should I replace it with?

—“Needs Some Privacy”

The honey badger (Mellivora capensis—also known as the ratel) is a mammal widely distributed throughout Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian subcontinent. While the more athletic versions of the honey badger can indeed get a fungus between folds of fur and on their nails from spending too much time on pool decks or locker room showers, I find it very hard to believe that any honey badger came to Sarasota and spread said fungus to your hedge, of all things! 

But just in case the one-in-a-zillion-chance problem happened, and this isn’t a bizarre “what if?” head scratcher, I’ll answer. Tear out that privet hedge immediately and replace it with…a sandbox. I hear honey badgers like to make sandcastles. 

Thanks for the question, Needs Some Privacy.

Letter Three

My tomato plants have plenty of flowers, but they all drop off without setting fruit. Is some bug to blame?

—“Confused in Casey Key”

No. It’s your Cousin Emma who’s screwing with you as payback for what happened last Thanksgiving with the garlic mashed potatoes that were promised but never delivered.

You know what you did (or rather DIDN’T DO), Confused in Casey Key. Right this terrible existential wrong and your tomatoes will flourish.

Letter Four

My wife and I are having a dispute. She thinks you can’t grow asparagus in Florida. I say you can. Am I right?

—“Loving Those Greens”

No.

Thanks for asking, Loving Those Greens.

Letter Five

I’ve had a fantastic crop of tomatoes in my greenhouse this year, but they came too late. It’s past the right season for them. Now I have this big pile of unripe green tomatoes. I’ve decided to pick them and bring them indoors. Will they ripen?

—“Dreaming of Tomatoes”

Answering your questions, Dreaming of Tomatoes, is like going after a mosquito with a bazooka. The answer is…eat the green tomatoes. To help you out, I’ll give you my top six choices for dealing with green tomatoes, in order of tastiness.

Fried green tomato burritos

Green tomato ketchup (make sure you use honey—perhaps my buddy Needs Some Privacy can help you with that!)

No-sugar green tomato relish

Green tomato parmesan bake

Green tomato cake with brown butter icing (pecan or walnuts really dress this up)

Green tomato and banana sundae

Just kidding with that last one. Or maybe not. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

Letter Six

I miss your articles, Gladys. You’re SO much better than this “humor” writer who replaced you. What kind of leverage does he have over the editors of Sarasota Scene?

Come back soon, Gladys. We miss you!

—“My Heart Is Browning”

I had to re-read your pseudonym twice because I kept seeing “My Heart Is a Brownie.” I’m trying hard not to image it served with walnuts, fudge frosting, and a dusting of confectioner’s sugar.

To answer your question, though, my leverage is this. I have an elite team of Smurfs under my control. They might live in mushrooms, but if they put their mind to it, they can make anyone’s life miserable. (You’ll see, My Heart Is Browning. You. Will. See!)

I’ll pass your warm wishes on to Gladys!

---

If you want to see Gladys Goodberry’s column make a triumphant return to the pages of Sarasota Scene, please keep that to yourself. Now if you’d like to see more “Ryan Responds to Reader Mail” installments, please signify your interest by climbing atop the hill on the east side of the Celery Fields at midnight and firing up the Ryan Signal. (It’s a lot like the Bat Signal, only it’s a gigantic, stylized R appearing in the sky versus that creepy bat thing).

Also, please don’t hop the fence to play Tease-the-Tigers at Big Cat Habitat after using the Ryan Signal. Tigers have absolutely no sense of humor, as evident from the “fan mail” they keep sending me.