Laughing Matters: Me and My Pal, Stephen

by Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

Well, it’s July in Florida. Surely there’s a weather-related joke in that fact somewhere, but I’m simply too focused elsewhere to unpack the sweaty humor in that blistering, rain-drenched reality. (Does it always have to unleash a torrential downpour exactly six minutes after I fire up the lawnmower to tackle the waist-high grass surrounding my house like an endless green moat?)

What, you might be wondering, has me so preoccupied that I’m able to ignore Florida weather jabs and my neighbors’ glares about my recalcitrant yard? King

The Big Mac.

No, not the two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun (a.k.a.) sandwich of sin from McDonald’s. I’m talking about the self-described Big Mac of Writing: 

Mr. Stephen Edwin King.

Let me explain. Through a conflux of recent events—me watching the remake of It; me being chased by a terrifically insane dog the size of a houseboat; and me throwing a book manuscript in the trash — I’ve had “King on the Brain.” Honestly, of all the writers I’ve never met, I absolutely and totally and utterly adore him and I think he’s the most beautiful writer in the world, and more importantly, I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that he and I can be best friends. 

Okay, okay—I slipped into a Notting Hill moment there. I’d have preferred to say, “Can you adios those dishes and take out that trash?” but I couldn’t quite work that zinger into my Stephen King dealio here.

Anyway . . .

I’m genuinely a fan of King and his writing. I’ve seen nearly two dozen of his movies, and I’ve read twice that many of his books. I’ve also enjoyed his chats with Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson, and David Letterman. And I’m tickled that he was “cute and funny” to one of my writing students who bumped into him during a visit to Jungle Gardens a year or so back.

But perhaps equally important, the connections between King and myself are stunningly powerful. Like a Taurus and Pisces cosmic match. Let me offer the evidence.

1) King owns three radio stations in Maine; I listen to the radio when I’m driving.

2) King once told British writer Neil Gaiman that he wouldn’t change one thing about his life if had to do it all over again…except he’d skip being in an American Express TV advertisement (remember that clunker? He stands there looking all monsterly and spooky, then says: “Instead of saying that I wrote Carrie, I ‘carry’ the American Express card. Cringe away!).

Me? I have an American Express card that I wish I’d skipped getting. The monthly bills make ME cringe!

3) King holds the Guinness Book of World Records crown for being the author of the most books adapted into films; I’m currently tied for the fewest books adapted into films (zero!).

4) He’s a huge Red Sox fan. As in super-scary, big-time, actually-eat-hot-dogs-at-the-stadium fandom. Plus he wrote a book about a former Red Sox pitcher—The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. I once threw a baseball through a porch screen door while trying to scare a dog out of peeing on the carpet. 

5) King was a shockingly poor college student (“It was fried Cheerios and peanut butter for supper,” King once told Letterman); I teach at a college.

6) In one of his frequent cameos in his movies, King played a man at an ATM in Maximum Overdrive, a doctor in Thinner, and a pizza delivery dude in Rose Red.

I’ve used an ATM. I’ve been to see a doctor—went to a dermatologist just this month to hack off a pesky mole on my butt! And I’ve had pizza delivered from Domino’s before.

7) King supposedly wrote the Lost tie-in mystery novel called Bad Twin. He didn’t. I didn’t write Bad Twin, either!

Do you see what I mean? King and I are like two literary peas in a pod…in a haunted library…in an alternate dimension where venom-spewing Republican cat-people rule the planet.

Which is to say, we’re great pals already. 

But I figure that the best thing to do is to inform King of this fact, so I’ve been waiting—lurking, really—in places around Sarasota where I fully expect King to visit. Places that are positively aching to be the next setting of a future King novel.

Like J.R.’s Old Packinghouse Cafe around 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday night. Or the middle of the Celery Fields during a booming July thunderstorm. Or Barnes & Nobles on Tamiami Trail in the stationary section.

I’m sad to report that despite my Herculean efforts to locate my new best friend and maybe split a Mango Magic with him at Tropical Smoothie Café on Main Street, I haven’t occasioned upon the Big Mac yet. 

Though it’s surely only a matter of time. As King writes in Cujo: “There is no bad time for good news!”

Want to know if Ronald McDonald actually served as the inspiration for Pennywise from It? Want to learn why Stephen King wrote a musical with John Mellencamp entitled The Ghost Brothers of Darkland County? Want to speculate on why King is terrified of the number 13? Send those requests tout de suite to ryan@scenesarasota.com today! I’ll ask my new best friend and get you the 411 from the Big Mac’s mouth directly.

Did you miss Ryan’s comedy gold last month? Not to worry – we’ve got it here for you! Click below.