Laughing Matters: The Final Hah Hah

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette | December 2021

After twenty-seven years of being the resident Sarasota Scene funny guy, I’m hanging up my clown shoes, rubber chicken, and exploding ink pen. “Why…” you might be asking, “…did you wait so long to do this?”

Great question. Here are five answers in order of likelihood of truthfulness.

1. I’ve only been writing the humor column since Jan 2019. It just FEELS like twenty-seven years because, as you know, I like dog jokes. Who knew it meant the time would pass in dog years thanks to that?
2. Sarasota Scene is moving to an all-Morse Code format, and we all know what that does to a good knock-knock joke.
3. During a group dinner at Michael’s On East last week, the waiter asked if anyone wants dessert. Someone said, “No, we’re good.” Now I need to find new friends.
4. I’m pretty invested in an exciting new career—squirrel whisperer.
5. El Niño.

I know, I know. You’re contemplating whether a GoFundMe campaign with a six-figure goal might be enough to keep me around to rip off 80s comedians, steal from ancient joke books, and invent crazy stuff that never happened to any human who’s ever lived on planet Earth. That kind of payday is tempting, for sure. But it’s either keep writing the hah hahs or keep my lawn in order, and my HOA has made their preference abundantly clear in a series of five increasingly threatening notes taped to my front door.

The good news is that if you’re desperate for a humorous pick-me-up, you have options. The UTC mall, for instance, where the people-watching is first rate. Like those exiting Fit2Run and sneaking over to Cinnabon. Or Tesla store shoppers who don’t realize that all of the plastic parts and tires on those cars are made from oil. Or—and this is beyond true—how the other day I saw someone outside the Apple store wearing a monocle unironically.

You have other humor options, too. Like how Sarasota has a higher concentration of Zagat-rated restaurants than any other Florida city. Why’s that funny? It’s not. I just bet a buddy I could work that into my final humor column, so I’m now five smackeroonis richer. Booyah!

If you get desperate for laughs, you can always reread my old humor columns in your stash of Sarasota Scene magazines. Like a fine wine, the chuckles in those columns just get better with age. Or wait…maybe that was balsamic vinegar. Or maybe cast-iron skillets. (It’s certainly not US Presidents, but since I’ve avoided getting political in this column for sixty-three years, why start now? So, please ignore that previous non-joke.)

I’ll wrap this baby up by sharing my absolute favorite, top-notch, can’t-fail, #1 joke that I don’t share with just anyone. But we’ve bonded over the years with yeti hunt stories, Patrick Stewart sightings, irate fan mail, and plagues of unicorns. Given that, how else could things end but with one last joke, right?  

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but that flag is a big plus!

While you’re falling out of your La-Z-Boy, I’ll be heading over to Michael’s on East to use that newly won cash to get me some Bourbon & Peach Cobbler Cheesecake. Yummy.

At the end of my humor columns, I typically invite readers to reach out to me for one or two ridiculous reasons that sometimes connect their own experiences with the theme of that month’s column. Not this time, folks. Keep your banana peel anecdotes, koala bear jokes, and cats-dressed-like-cowboys scenarios to yourselves. The show’s over. 

But if you can’t help yourself—humor is best when shared, I get it!—then please blast those whoppers to JeffBezos@AmazonTopBanana.com with the subject line “11 Bizarre Steps to Be Better at Your Job (#8 Will SHOCK You!)”.