Laughing Matters: The One About Quarantine Ryan

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

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October, 2020 – Some of you have likely been thinking about asking, “Ryan? How is it that you’re able to stay shockingly productive and remain so well adjusted when you’ve haven’t put gas in your car since March 11th, you’ve forgotten what your hair stylist looks like, and your relationship with your C3PO pajamas has gotten overly familiar?”

Great question. And I’m happy to share my secret.

Here it is—I have absolutely no idea, save for how I find myself dreaming of singing flamingos most nights who regale my nighttime hours with renditions of Sinatra’s “My Way.”

But just in case there’s wisdom to be had in the moment-by-moment doings of a hiding-from-COVID life like mine, I’ll share the happenings of last Thursday, which is a pretty fair approximation of a day in the life of Quarantine Ryan. 

7:13am: Hit snooze

7:23am: Hit snooze

7:33am: Tell Alexa to play Wake Up music

7:34am: Threaten Alexa with obliteration

7:35am: Yank power cord from Alexa

8:39am: Wake up for realsies

8:52am: Enjoy breakfast of cold pepperoni pizza and two  bottles of Yoohoo

9:03am: Begin reading Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time 14-book series in preparation of the Amazon Prime series starring Rosamund Pike and Madeleine Madden

9:09am: Quit reading Robert Jordan’s 14-book Wheel of Time series

9:10am: Use 1 Wheel of Time book as bathroom doorstop

9:12am: List remaining 13 books in Wheel of Time series for sale on Amazon

10:22am: Feel guilty about Wheel of Time book fiasco—shove them all under my bed

10:55am: Have a regular vs. vanilla vs chocolate vs. dark chocolate Oreos taste test

Noon: Play online trivia with local brewery to win “Quiz King” crown and $5 coupon

12:13pm: Quit trivia after refusing to believe the world’s largest desert is Antarctica

1:10pm: Sign up for Harvard’s “Science & Cooking: From Haute Cuisine to Soft Matter Science” online class (knowing I’ll never actually start it)

2:10pm: Download Duolingo to learn Spanish

2:55pm: Put together a beautiful charcuterie board, using only foods I have in my fridge

4:11pm: Read all of The New Yorker issues piled under my desk

5:55pm: Stare at myself in bathroom mirror—attempt a self-portrait in green crayon

5:59pm: Google The Rock—give myself his pecs

7:10pm: Construct life-size Spiderman out of pipe cleaners

8:45pm: Delete Duolingo

9:00pm: Rewatch the beginning of Frozen 2—really belt out “Into the Unknown”

9:45pm: Begin walk around neighborhood for exercise

9:46pm: Stop at next-door neighbor’s house for margaritas on patio

9:47pm: Gripe about trying to drink margaritas through a straw while wearing a mask

10:09pm: Return home—brag about robust COVID exercise regimen on social media

10:25pm: Narrate making popcorn with game show announcer voice

10:48pm: See how much ice cream I can fit in my mouth

11:34pm: Fall asleep to reruns of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour

Rinse, repeat, etc. 

I’m sure it’s more than a little intimidating to see what a jam-packed life I lead while being stuck in my house like a crook with an ankle monitor. But to be totally fair, I was far less capable of being productive when COVID first hit. So, don’t judge yourself too harshly if your own daily doings don’t quite compare. It’s perfectly understandable.

If you’re still yearning for ways to power through the days, wait until next month’s column, where I’ll reveal how you too can play Dungeons & Dragons with Norwegian subtitles.

Sound great? I agree!

[hvor fantastisk er det?]

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If you’d like to share your own COVID-avoiding daily doings, please drop me a line at Spam@SceneSarasota.com. I’d love to know how our days stack up against one another. I suspect we’re all doing pretty much the same thing, but you just never know, right?

See you next time, folks!