Laughing Matters: The One About COVID-19

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

During Zoom chat with a buddy last week, I made the mistake of saying that after teaching a humor writing class at Ringling College this semester, I felt pretty much able to make the hah-hahs happen with any subject I chose.

Without missing a beat, he said, “COVID.” 

I mumbled. I fumbled. I thrumbled. 

Then he said The Magic Words. The Ultimate Kicker. The Can’t-Ignore-It-Phrase all red-blooded Americans have to respond to in the affirmative. No, it’s not “I triple dog dare you!” but rather this stunner: “Dude, I’ll give you five bucks if you do a full column next month on the virus.”

Naturally, I told him to go shuck some corn. What did he think I was, some Fiverr.com flunky?

When he upped it to a ten spot, what choice did I have? Thus, the theme of this month’s humor column is… wait for it…COVID-19, a.k.a. the novel coronavirus, which is the absolute unfunniest thing in the world right now, and, pretty much, ever.

WARNING: The rest of this column will indeed be about COVID-19. If that’s not your virus-ridden cup of tea right now, please move along to any of the other fine non-virus-bringing-upping articles and advertisements in this periodical. There are plenty of things that are well-Lysoled and appropriately sanitized, I assure you.

I’ll wait.

Okay…it’s just us humor-loving folk here now? You promise? Then let’s get jiggy pandemicky with it. Err, maybe that’s pundemicky? We’ll see!

I’m inclined to start with a straight-up coronavirus joke, but I worry it’ll take two weeks to see if you get it.

See what I did there? 

I’ll risk further harm to your previously high opinion of me by sharing fourteen virusy whacks on the funny bone.

1. Why doesn’t Wolfgang Puck find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in such poor taste.

2. All I needed to solve my FOMO problem was a little worldwide pandemic.

3. If wearing pajamas all day is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

4. Best Buy just lowered the price of a 90” widescreen TV by 30% the same day I realized Netflix had 14 seasons of Supernatural. Coincidence? I think not.

5. Self isolation with my dog: OMG THIS IS SO SO GREAT I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AROUND. I AM SO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!
Self isolation with my goldfish: …………..
Self isolation with my cat: What the hell are YOU still doing here?

6. My poet friend says to me, “What rhymes with coronavirus?” And I tell him, “No, it doesn’t!”

7. When I was in college, I got the freshmen fifteen. Now after staying home for the past month, I discovered the COVID 19!

8. My cousin’s job has been deemed “essential,” so he wears a Kevin White jersey every day when he goes in to work. Why? Because it’s the only way to ensure NOT catching the coronavirus. (Sorry, Chicago Bears fans!)

9. Vacuum + cat + spilled bag of Cheetos? Sports have not been cancelled, my friends.

10. Nothing says “I love you” like diamond earrings a Lexus a Caribbean cruise a multi-pack of Charmin.

11. Self-isolation To-Do Plan: get ripped or get fat. Hmmm. Let me flip a coin.

12. “My girlfriend didn’t break up with me. She’s just really into social distancing.”

13. I can never remember, is it “starve a cold and feed a virus” or “cough one time and stay home for six weeks while eating saltines by the sleeve and binge-watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”?

14. While talking to my sick pal on the phone, I said, “Hey, your coughing sounds better!” He told me: “Thanks! I’ve had a lot of practice.”

Thankfully, people who know something about something—read this as “shouty people on Twitter”—say the coronavirus pandemic is slowly going away for good. For all our sakes, I sure hope so. I’ve pretty much coughed up (pun intended!) all the virus jokes I’ve got at this point, so if I’m forced into doing round 2 of the Great Virus Laugh-off (all it takes is $20—anyone game?), I’ll be spending a lot of time in my office, banging my funny bone against the wall, trying to urge it into overdrive.

Here’s hoping next month’s humor is instead about something both wholesome and funny, like labradoodle wrestling, mistakenly using Sharpies on a whiteboard, or “gluten-free veganic sprouted ancient maize flakes” (totally a true thing—I saw them at Whole Foods before the world pandemicked!).

Do you agree that saying “2020 went viral” is funnier than intended? Did you decide that after 10 minutes of homeschooling your own kid that all teachers should be paid $800,000 a year? Are you confused what people are complaining about regarding a “quarantine lifestyle” because it’s pretty much your normal life?

If so, go ahead and zip me a note about your experiences and opinions ASAP at Y2KHysteriaWasAmateurHour@SarasotaScene.com  because Lord knows I’ll be around to answer you since I have nowhere to go. Though let’s be clear about something—in this emailing scenario mentioned above, pants are 97% optional.