Laughing Matters: The One About Euphemisms

By Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

The other day, a buddy of mine got his vas deferens cut, fried, and tied.

In my meat and potatoes world, that means my poor pal had a “vasectomy.” But I was wrong—apparently, he had a “persistent contraception experience.” 

I think I get the reason why—you can charge two grand for something called “persistent contraception experience” whereas I see billboards on the side of I-75 advertising “vasectomies” for $500. Heck, if they called it “The Big Snip,” it’d maybe run thirty-seven bucks and take place in an alley behind a Red Lobster in Ft. Myers.

At first blush, this type of language fluidity seems the invention of evil-souled salespeople looking to shake down people for cash (i.e. “de-monetize clients”), with phrases like “certified, preowned” being equal to “used” which is in itself a euphemism for “problem-plagued piece of crap that someone else practically paid to get rid of.”

Yet it’s more than that, isn’t it? This type of word slipperiness emerges in the business world beyond just the sales department (“commerce positive interaction environment”). I recall my neighbor hitting 60 and getting the “golden handshake,” meaning he was fired, canned, kaputed, dropped like he was hot. 

Call it a “surplus reduction in personnel,” a “staff re-engineering,” or a “workplace imbalance correction,” the truth is the same—he was unemployified. And that resulted in him experiencing counter-positive impassioned vociferousness (“being pissed off”).

I used to think language and grammar were built to provide clarity in verbal exchanges, but I’m starting to appreciate the benefits of a world where a duck isn’t a duck, but rather a “water chicken,” “an air-functioning fowl,” or “feathered freedom seeker.”

I know I’m onto something here because sex advice columnist Dan Savage has embraced this new language phenomenon with monogam-ish (“cheater”). And his own name has become a euphemism for having some grade-A sober sex before going out and getting too drunk to have quality late-night sex.

Example: 

“Hey, Biff. You wanna Dan Savage before we go the Woo-Woo Club and get blasted?”

“Lemme just finish being monogam-ish with Julie here. Shut the door, will you?” 

Just think about all the clarity you can obfuscate with this new linguistic ability. Like this: “Last night, I slept in my person pocket (“bed”) and dreamed of ocean sauce (“water”), sky pillows (“clouds”), and flappy bois (“seagulls”).” Or this: “Don’t try to manually elevate (“lift”) those portable knowledge units (“books”) one-handed—you could hurt your armkle (“wrist”).”

Wow, this euphemism thing is as handy as the non-American prefix-focused measurement inclination (“metric system”). I’m feeling more clever and enlightened already, which is one of the selling points of euphemisms, or so I’ve read. So, it’s with great delight that I can now declare:

My work friend isn’t bald, he’s “follicularly disinclined.”

The actors who played Ewoks weren’t dwarves, but rather “vertically adverse and/or gravitationally predisposed.”

The Joker isn’t evil—he’s simply “differently moraled.”

See what I mean? This is a world where ANYTHING is possible. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got some underutilized developmental water-adjacent land tracts (“swamp”) you can take off my hands at a unique, limited-time-only, just-for-my-pals (“exorbitant”) price.

Have your own beef with the increasing fuzziness of words? Ever catch someone plagiarizing and they try the “creative recycling” defense? Does it drive you bonkers when people try to convince you that their cockalabradoodlesky isn’t just a mutt?

If any of the above strikes a chord with you, it’s time to loftily converse (“speak up”). The best thing you can do is zip off an email to me lickety-split at Doublespeak@SarasotaScene.com, an un-verisimilitudinous (“nonexistent”) address.