Laughing Matters: Ryan vs Netflix

By Ryan G. Van Cleave

In 1997, Silicon Valley success story Reed Hastings tardily returned a VHS copy of Apollo 13 to his local Blockbuster video rental store, and he got popped with a $40 late fee. Though he’d just sold his software company, Pure Atria, for $700 million, the principle of this fee irked him. So, he partnered with Marc Randolph and founded Netflix, a company that rented DVDs by mail and allowed viewers to keep them as long as they wanted.

That’s a lovely—if largely discounted as apocryphal—origin story of one of today’s more successful companies.

But here’s the important thing. I was visiting my second-cousin Rudy in Scott Valley, California in January 1997. We were at a Starbucks where I had ordered, I don’t know, some type of mocha-choca whatever (I don’t drink coffee and just get whatever sounds least awful) and I said to Rudy, “You know, the thing about coffee is that everyone likes it, and no one wants to make it. We should start up a coffee delivery subscription service that brings people a fresh coffee first thing in the morning, piping hot and truly first-rate, so they can start their day right. Like the old milkman thing, only caffeine-ier.”

I remember Rudy eying me over his grande Nitro Cold Brew with Cascara Cold Foam (I’m making that up—I have no idea what overpriced nonsense drink he had), and he said to me in a voice cool as an iced espresso: “I think there’s something wrong with your brain.”

Here’s the part that’ll shock you. I THINK that Reed Hastings—co-founder, Chairman and CEO of Netflix, and person on the board of Facebook, the Pahara Institute, and the KIPP Foundation—was sitting right behind me. As in so close that he surely overheard my super-genius coffee delivery subscription service idea. In preparation of writing this potentially legal-issue-creating piece, I did research. I looked at Reed’s Linkedin account. He has a goatee. The guy sitting behind me at that Starbucks had a goatee! I said the idea would make millions. Netflix DID make Reed Hastings millions. I said it’d change the face of the coffee drinking industry. Netflix changed the face of the media delivery industry. This incident happened in Scott Valley, CA. Netflix was founded in Scott Valley, CA!

See what I mean?

I say all this by way of pointing out that while I’m adequately employed—if you didn’t know, I’m a parkour specialist, semiprofessional penguinologist, and amateur Rasputin impersonator–I’m reassessing my entertainment expenses. By that, I mean that keeping up with the must-have streaming options? My wallet is taking a beating.

So, I’m hereby claiming the IP I created at that time and place, which then obviously inspired the creation and future success of Netflix, the next logical step beyond my coffee delivery subscription service that anyone would have made. As of early 2018, Netflix was worth a smidge more than $100 billion. I’m thinking my fair share of that giant pie of money should be . . . $40.95/month for the REST OF MY LIFE + 20 years.

Here’s how I came up with that amount.

• $8.99/month for Netflix. (Hello, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.)
• $5.99/month for Hulu basic. (Letterkenny. Say no more.)
• $8.99/month for Amazon Prime. (Good Omens. Hubba hubba.)
• $6.99/month for Disney+ (How else am I going to OD on Marvel movies?)
• $9.99/month for Apple TV+. (Spielberg rebooting Amazing Stories? C’mon!)

Why the extra 20 years? Because I plan on hanging around as a ghost to see how The Simpsons actually ends.

Now I don’t mean to get all lawyerly etc., but this is about as clear of an open-and-shut case as one gets in the world of intellectual property law, I imagine. To ensure I’m in the right, I’ve now watched three—count ‘em, THREE!—videos on the subject on YouTube, including one entitled Intellectual Property Rights Workshop 2 by a guy named Nigel at Anglia Ruskin University that has 68 views since it was released in 2016. Yeah, I’m kind of a pro when it comes to understanding IP.

I’ve also now watched “The Top 50 Funniest Doritos Commercials of All Time (Hilarious)” and “Justin Bieber – Baby ft. Ludacris (Official Music Video)” which has 2.1 billion views and 10 million dislikes. Well, 10 million and 1, now. That’s fodder for another day, though.

To bring this story full circle, when I showed a draft of this piece to Rudy, he mentioned that the guy sitting across the table from Reed Hastings looked suspiciously A LOT like the guy who started up DoorDash Restaurant Delivery. “I’m pretty certain about it,” Rudy claimed. I’m looking into it. Details to follow as they emerge.

In the meantime, I’m hosting a Disney+ watch party in November 2019 when it goes live. I figure by then I’ll be sitting pretty with all my fancy streaming services being direct-billed to Reed Hastings. Maybe, too, he can set me up with a lifetime supply from his pal, Orville Redenbacher. I hear they’re bigtime mini golf buddies.

If anyone has the phone number for Tony Xu, the CEO of DoorDash, please let me know. I’d like to make him an offer he can’t refuse. (My IP for free Wendy’s Frosties for life. Plus 20 years, because ghosts have to eat, too, right?)

Have your own gripe with Netflix or another streaming service? Want to tell me how your genius idea made someone else gazillions? Want to pitch me a series idea that’d be perfect for Netflix and that you’d like me to pass on to my new bestie, Reed Hastings?

If so, run—don’t walk—to your nearest computer and email me tout suite and email me at ryan@scenesarasota.com with the 411 about these incredibly wowtastic things. If we get enough interest, we might start a club, though I refuse to be treasurer or secretary.