Laughing Matters: The One Welcoming 2019

by Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

Since 2018 is now safely in our rearview mirror, let’s repurpose this month’s column to provide a big-time hearty-hi-ho welcome to 2019 and all the wondrous goodness it’ll bring . . . which surely has to be better than what 2018 offered up, right?

I’m looking at you:

• Toys R Us closing

• Nine-year-old rapper Lil Tay getting her own TV show

• France winning the FIFA World Cup

So, the added bonus here is that the original idea for this month’s column was to do some absurd riff on the greatness that is Grey’s Anatomy, but admittedly, it might have stumbled into TV territory that Shonda Rhimes would surely have reacted to with litigious lawyers, social media smashing, and daily deliveries of fruitcake to my door. “No, not fruitcake!” you’re surely saying. And you’d be right. I’m guessing that fruitcake was exactly what Kurtz was talking about in Heart of Darkness when he intoned those famous words: “The horror! The horror!”

And now without further introductory ado, I give you . . . 19 Things to ACTUALLY Be Thankful for As We Embark Upon a New Year!

(Why “19 Things”? Because 20 is clearly too many and 18 just feels wimpy.)

1—The word “ado,” not to be confused with its homonym “adieu.” I’m glad these words exist. Now I’m 100% against any human being actually using either ridiculous word in public. But I’m totally pleased that they’re safely tucked away in the darkest depths of www.Dictionary.com. Just in case.

2—Eating a whole tube of chocolate chip cookie dough. Then chasing it with a long pull right from the Reddi-wip can.

3—People who dress as piñatas. (Yep—it’s a thing.)

4—Inflatable bouncy houses big enough for kids older than 8. And by “kids older than 8,” I mean ME!

5—NBA stud Anthony Davis’ mega-unibrow. (In case you didn’t know, he trademarked it, along with the phrases “Fear the brow” and “Raise the brow.”)

6—Amazon Prime, so I can finally get around to watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  

7—People who call McDonald’s to ask for the phone number to Burger King. 

8—Autumnal mead. Who knew we needed a wacky Bud Light commercial to find out about the existence of such malty, full-bodied awesomeness?

9—BioFreeze. And yes, I’m not at all embarrassed to say that I probably use it as much—or maybe more—than Jonny Knoxville and those other bozos who make the Jackass movies. 

10—My t-shirt that reads: “Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!”

11—Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank You Notes” segment. (Hey, Jimmy—what about doing one on Dunkin’ Donuts Bacon and Egg on a Donut breakfast sandwich?)

12—When my daughters are offered candy they don’t like at Halloween, and they say, “No, thank you,” then move on to the next house.

13—Lobster traps being used as Christmas trees and other holiday decorations. Why didn’t some genius think of this earlier? (It makes me wonder what the lobsters are doing to decorate their homes . . .)

14—Truly first-rate WiFi home network names. 

• Mom Use This One

• It Hurts When IP

• One Simply Does Not Connect to WiFi

• Does God Know That You Steal Internet?

15—The Crayola colors Purple Mountain Majesty, Tickle Me Pink, Mango Tango, and Smaragdine Dream. (I confess—I made that last one up, but wouldn’t you love to see it, too? “Smaragdine” is a shade of emerald green.)

16—Lawsuits against Mars Inc. because Skittles do NOT taste like a rainbow.

17—Penguins wearing tuxedos. (Bonus penguin joke: What’s smarter than a talking penguin? A spelling bee!)

18—Stand-up comedy routines about spreadsheets.

19—Sarasota Scene magazine. Because otherwise I’d still be writing my sometimes-humorous observations on Friendster posts.

So, see ya, 2018. Don’t let the door whack you in the rump on your way out. And hello, 2019! My, my, my, what pretty eyes you have. And what shiny teeth you have. And what . . .

Uh oh . . .

Got your own things to be thankful for? Want to rail against the video game phenomenon Fortnite? Got a hankering to crab about K-pop septet BTS appearing on Ellen? Need to vent about how Google removed the “View Image” button in Google Images?

Fire off those humdingers to ryan@scenesarasota.com as soon as humanly possible. I’ll be waiting for them!*

*waiting not guaranteed

Ryan G. Van Cleave is the author of 20 books, and he runs the creative writing program at the Ringling College of Art and Design in Sarasota, Florida. ryangvancleave.com