Laughing Matters: The “Are You Funnier Than a Chihuahua?” Quiz

by Ryan G. Van Cleave |  Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

The end of the calendar year is nearly upon us, so it’s time to take stock of the truly important things in life. Like your crabgrass-to-centipede grass ratio. How much cyan ink is left in your printer cartridge? Finding out exactly what color “cyan” is.

So why not find out—once and for all—whether you’re more amusing than, say, a pair of wet socks?

Good news! This is (purportedly) a humor column, after all, so by reading it, you’re clearly demonstrating some level of acuity about the World of Hah-Hahs. So odds are, you should consider yourself funnier than a Chihuahua. Probably.

As my holiday gift to you, I’ll help you uncover your actual, 100%-accurate, absolutely-for-sure Humor IQ at last. You’re welcome. Simply tug on your googly-eye glasses, slide on some Bozo shoes, and ready that hand buzzer. It’s about to get REAL up in here. As in REAL FUNNY.

Directions: Answer each of the following NASA-scientist-approved questions as honestly as possible. (To ensure quality control, the humor research done by the NASA scientists in the making of this quiz was vetted by a team of cryptographers from MIT. And their work was gone over by my buddy, Steve, who once did an entire New York Times crossword puzzle by himself in 8 ¾ hours, with only 3 answers coming thanks to covert Googling. Yeah—we’ve got a great team here!) chihuahua

Note: If you can’t decide on an answer within, say, 9 seconds, then the answer is “C.”

Note: If there is no “C” option, then your answer is “Just move the heck on to the next question, Slow Poke!”

Scoring: For every A answer, give yourself 16 points. Each B? Subtract the square root of 56.43164. C answers earn you nothing. Zippo. Nada. And D? Take a bow for each of those. Plus 1.25 points. Then divide by zero.

Answer Key: I subcontracted out the construction of the Answer Key to my buddy Steve, but he’s neck-deep in some Mad Libs. So instead, let’s do this. It’s the humor version of Final Jeopardy.

The answer is: “Make explosion noises when someone presses a button.”

In response, if you offer up the question “What do I do every time I’m on an elevator?” then congratulations, you’re officially a Sarasota Scene Magazine-certified funny person. If you offered up any other question, congratulations, you’re officially a Sarasota Scene Magazine-certified person. And honestly, in this day and age, that’s not too bad of a consolation prize. chihuahua

Just ask Carrot Top.

Got your own Cosmo-style quiz that will tell me if I’m more Hufflepuff than Slytherin? Want me to go with you to SeaWorld while we carry fishing poles? Thinking about dressing up as Ronald McDonald and then ordering a Whopper at Burger King?

Fire off those zowies to ryan@scenesarasota.com today! That email box is regularly checked . . . every time the Hale-Bopp comet zooms past.

Ryan G. Van Cleave is the author of 20 books, and he runs the creative writing program at the Ringling College of Art and Design in Sarasota, Florida. ryangvancleave.com