Laughing Matters: The Price of Fame

By Ryan G. Van Cleave | Illustrations by Darcy Kelly-Laviolette

It finally happened.

The other day I was comparison shopping for cereal in the Winn-Dixie on Fruitville Road (Cap’n Crunch or Cocoa Pebbles? Raisin Bran or Cookie Crisp?) when a woman rolled her cart next to mine and just kind of stood there. Her demeanor fluctuated between stalker-y lingering and loiter-y bystandering.

She stared. 

I stared. 

She stared back.

Then she said those magic words I’d been waiting my entire life to hear: “You’re the one who writes the thing for that thing.”

Cue celestial trumpets. Bring on the Entenmann’s party cake. Release the Mylar “Congrats 2018 grad!” balloons from behind the Winn-Dixie service desk.  

Humor columnist Ryan G. Van Cleave has been Spotted in the Wild. 

“So, this is fame?” I mused to myself in that moment, suddenly deciding that heck yes, I’d skip the Buy-One-Get-One deal on Cap’n Crunch and get the non-BOGO item I really wanted: Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Celebrities don’t bother with BOGOs.

They probably also refer to Cinnamon Toast Crunch by its far fancier-sounding French name: “Croque-Cannelle.” 

I suddenly wondered how much a personal shopper charged. Buying one’s own cereal didn’t seem exactly celebrity-ish. I mean, do you REALLY think Jennifer Lawrence—or even Martin Lawrence, for that matter—might be caught pricing corn flakes in the pre-dawn haze of some Saturday morning at Ralph’s (it’s a Publix-like grocery chain in CA—keep up!)? writer

Pshaw!

You have to understand — writers generally aren’t recognizably famous. Sure, you know the names of the Really Big Ones. But do you know them from their faces or their book titles? writer

If you had a lineup consisting of, say, E.L. James (the Fifty Shades author whose net worth exceeds $80 million) alongside an avocado, two pounds of WD brand boneless chuck roast, a 32 oz. jar of Claussen dill pickles, and a 4 lb. package of Dixie Crystals sugar, I’d bet dollars to Entenmann’s donuts that you’d have a hard time picking out the celebrity writer. Unless she was sporting velvet-lined handcuffs, of course, but then again, pickles can get pretty zesty too, so maybe that clue wouldn’t be enough.

Why aren’t more writers spotted-in-Winn-Dixie famous? I think it’s clearly due to three reasons.

Reason 1—People simply don’t bother glancing at author photos on dust jackets. And if we’re being totally honest, most people don’t even know what a dust jacket is. (It’s the detachable outer cover on a hardcover book—it has folded flaps that hold it to the front and back book cover. Don’t say that increasingly-more-famous-by-the-day humor writer Ryan G. Van Cleave didn’t also teach y’all something useful from time to time!) writer

Reason 2—There are no writers named “Ryan Reynolds” in the non-Hollywood writing world.

Reason 3—El Niño.

Reason 4 — Writers are bad at math.

The woman had more to say on the matter, though. “I’ve been wanting to ask you . . .”

I confess: I grew a bit nervous at her pregnant pause. What huge celebrity-worthy question was to follow? And what if TMZ caught me sputtering some dumb response to her and the story got splashed all over the Yahoo headlines and turned into a media frenzy? Yikes! I suddenly realized I needed serious media training. Some world-class interview-handling coaching. Was I wearing a striped shirt, too? Were the lines vertical or horizontal? Which shows up worse on camera and makes you look more Seth Rogen than Ryan Reynolds? writer

I realized in that terrifying moment that my media-savvy IQ was precariously low. I needed to buckle down and be the celebrity my public demanded of me. Wow—this was going to take work. And fast!

The future president of my fan club, standing there before me in Winn-Dixie, repeated: “I’ve been meaning to ask you . . . where do your ideas come from?” writer

Crap. All that came to mind in that moment were what other famous people had already said in response to that. writer

Ideas comes from curiosity. –Walt Disney

New ideas come from watching something, talking to people, experimenting, asking questions, and getting out of the office! –Steve Jobs

All of our ideas come from the natural world: trees equal umbrellas. –Wallace Stevens

I realized that it’d been an uncomfortably long period of quiet, so I choked this out: “I’ve got three monkeys locked up in my basement and they bang away on typewriters nonstop. That’s where my best stuff comes from.” writer

She seemed nonplussed, but she responded with an: “I see.”

Me to myself: “What on EARTH did I just say? Were cameras rolling? Is Perez Hilton lurking behind the deli counter with a parabolic mic and a camera with a telephoto lens? writer

After a moment, she said, “Nice to meet you, Phil.”

Phil? 

PHIL?

Umm.

Errr.

Hmmmm.

“You too,” I said.

Then I hustled home to open some fan mail that was cleverly disguised as “Dear Occupant” letters. Those sneaks. writer

Want to start up your own chapter of the Ryan G. Van Cleave fan club? Want to send me designer outfits to showcase at future awards ceremonies? Want a signed Glamour Shots photo to hang in your restaurant above a table that’s always on hold for me? Send those requests pronto to ryan@scenesarasota.com today!